20 Mar 21
It’s Saturday night; I’ve been feeling incredibly alone all this week. I’m not sure what made it come about. I’m not sure why I haven’t felt up to socializing much this week. Nothing feels quite right; I’m in that place where I want to feel safe and secure and surrounded by people, but the second anyone gets near me I want to push them away. I’ve spent a lot of time on the floor, near tears, and I couldn’t tell you where it’s coming from.
I can’t stand to hug the shark. I keep thinking I want it, but holding on too tight makes me think back to last spring and summer, when I fell asleep on the floor, holding on to it, waiting for you to come back. It’s one of those things that just holds sad memories for now. It’s something that makes me miss you, even though I don’t miss feeling that pang in my chest that I got from not knowing when or if I’d see you again.
For the most part, the shark sleeps underneath my bean bag. He’s structural support; I don’t really take him out much, but I can see his face sticking out.
To the important part: I don’t know where we are quite yet. I’m not sure what we are now – if we settled on tentative partners or just very close friends with a very close past. I guess it’s not fair to say I don’t know what I want. I want to break up with you because I don’t see a viable future in this relationship. But I haven’t because I’m selfish and I don’t want you out of my life. I’m not going to pine over “what could have been.” But I think a lot about where we are now and if there’s a way out, and I don’t know what to imagine now.
I don’t love the thought of anything ending. I don’t want to have to acknowledge that getting to be with you was always temporary. I don’t want to look back and have those memories feel sad, but when I think back I still feel so close to you. I still smile when I think about meeting for the first time and going on a walk. I like thinking back to hanging out on your squeaky blue couch; but I also find myself shutting out more and more of the memories I have of us being close, or cuddling, or having sex. I hate the thought of remembering being close (to you) and then being separated again.
I miss you and I don’t want to; I miss the time we got to have together a year ago and I don’t want to, because I don’t know that we will be able to live that way again, and that’s how I would want a relationship between us to be- in the U.S. (because I don’t speak German, and I thought you were a permanent U of M student from Germany anyway), and without either of us living with the background fear that we will have to change our schools or career plans just to be with the other.
I kept telling you that I wouldn’t mind if you found someone hot and started a side relationship with them. That’s partially because I’m insatiable, and wish we had similar attitudes towards having simultaneous open relationships. It’s also because I want you to be freed to explore something else, instead of waiting for something that might not come to fruition. I don’t want you to pour more hope into this than I do, because I worry that you could end up feeling (hurt) (if) (you) (can’t) (detach) (from) (a) (relationship) (the) (same) (way) (I) (can.) It doesn’t feel fair to know that I’ve had time to be sad about the possibility that we won’t get to be together again and you’ve spent the whole time telling yourself to stay positive, and to keep believing that we will. I don’t want you to be wrong, but I feel guilty if I’ve let you believe in something that I didn’t have the same amount of faith in.
I don’t want you to think that I’m not sad either.
I feel pressure behind my eyes, but I can’t cry so much as I can lie on the floor and try to comfort myself by reminding myself that it’s not all bad; that it won’t be forever, that there are (probably) other people that love me and I’m not alone forever. I hate feeling like I’m losing a friend- because relationship or not, you’ve been a constant in my life every day for over a year, and I expect that you’ll just always be there. I can’t stand the thought of picking up my phone and not being able to find you. That’s my biggest fear- not breaking up, not either one of us finding different partners- just the possibility that one day, you won’t be there and I’ll still need you.
Typing that brought the tears.