15 August 2020
I caught a chill in the air just as the Try Guys were recounting their Halloween memories (when is the appropriate time to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas? Why is Thanksgiving coming later and later each year?) I got excited about being here. I haven’t felt autumn weather in a while. The last year doesn’t count- it feels lost to me. I really don’t remember feeling like myself at all, since I spent nearly all of my waking hours in uniform. I’ll be in college this time so I feel like I’ll be in sync with the rest of the world again. (Not living 10 hours a day in an elementary school. God. All of last year feels like a dream.)
Honestly? I’m kind of glad that everything is going to be closed or distanced or otherwise different this year because of Covid. It feels like we wouldn’t have gotten to celebrate the holidays “normally” together anyway, you know? We wouldn’t have been able to go to a haunted house together, and I’m sure no ones going trick-or-treating this Halloween. And the malls won’t be a dizzying maze of elbows and legs either; so we wouldn’t have gotten much of a chance to celebrate Christmas or one year together at a crowded candle shop. I don’t feel like we’re alone in missing the past and wishing for it to be here now.
The damning rationalization of inevitability doesn’t make it any less painful to know that I won’t be able to touch you even as it keeps getting colder. I already anticipate being cut by the dark side of the double edged sword that is the holiday season. With October-November-December will come the need to smother some particularly wonderful daydreams where you and I were a strange new family of two.