I’m scared of everything becoming a chore. I try so hard to plan and do the right thing- don’t text too much, don’t text infrequently, try to keep my mind on one subject instead of jumping around all over the place.
I worry because there’s so much that I want to share with you. The ocean has me learning that it’s important for phones to take a break, even though I want nothing more than to take pictures of every step of my day just so I can send to you so you can run errands with me.
It’s almost surreal- it is surreal- to look up from a conversation I’m having with you and realize you aren’t right in front of me. I still spend so much time daydreaming about dropping my suitcase on an empty airport floor and running towards you. We’re squeezing each other to death in the middle of the terminal and it’s like we’ve only been apart for a weekend.
I don’t use the term “best friend” sparingly. I have a range of different best friends for a lot of different reasons: the person I’ve known the longest, thé person I have the most unique friendship with, the person who forgave me for so many past mistakes. And then I met you, and I wanted you to meet everyone I knew from day one because you are so so special to me. (I get random little happy thoughts you know. I just think about you and I think, “You are so special to me.” Maybe you think the same thing about me at the exact same time.)
The feeling of losing a crowning jewel has made me appreciate the gems I do have, and it’s a wonderful thing, learning how to depend on others by finally making connections with friends. But I still lost closeness with a very very very important best friend, and I still haven’t figured out how to experience life and share things now that we live differently.
My biggest fear is that I’ll stop caring and that I’ll stop trying to reach for you out of a sense of hopelessness that started growing when I realized there was nothing I could do to change anything. I hope that misguided thoughts of self-preservation don’t push me over that cliff again.
I should be writing essays, but instead, I felt my heart start tearing and my eyes started burning because I wanted to tell you that I was sorry for being so scatter brained. I’m sorry for getting sad and angry and not knowing how to tell you what I feel. What I feel is jealous of people who’ve never been isolated or separated and even more jealous of long distance couples who have the luxury of certain reconnection. I’ve gotten so distant from my own emotions that someone in me is trying to convince me otherwise, but I know that’s the truth. I’m jealous of your German trains too.
I don’t know how busy your life was pre-covid, but if you have the time, I want to try to be more intentional about scheduling time with you- things like a phone call or movie or a homework time on the weekends. I don’t want to be demanding but I do want to feel like that you’re still here. And I’m still here. And it’s going to be okay.